10 Rules For The Office Bathroom

A convenient ripping distance
I have no idea why anyone would put the TP roll on so the loose end of the paper lies against the wall. Instead, put it on at a convenient ripping distance. I do not want to fight with toilet rolls while hovering over a space I'd rather not touch.




Grab a wad and pass it under
If you see there isn't any toilet paper in a stall, don't just sit contentedly in the adjacent one while some poor soul walks into the TP-less potty. Grab a wad and pass it under to her--or warn her before she unzips. This is not a breach of etiquette or the female version of the foot tap. It's being a good human.



Flush
Flush. And it never hurts to have one last look to make sure the evidence is gone. Should someone forget and you walk into the scene, just step on the handle, for Pete's sake! Why would you let that stuff stew? To prove you didn't do it?



Do not push--peek
When you're about to enter a communal stall, do not push--peek. Sometimes door locks break. Bend over. Look for feet. Stretch those hams. Move on.




Clean it up
Women don't usually pee in a straight line unless we've been holding it all morning. When you squat, there's the inevitable fizzle, the berserk nature of your bladder on its spin cycle. Who knows why this happens, but it does. You are responsible for it. Clean it up.



You'd rather not talk about it
Resist flowery and fragrant aerosols. They can turn the air thick, heavy, and fake--and it's like a silent scream declaring to the entire floor that you just did something you'd rather not talk about.



Wipe it up
Even if your mane is to die for, hair becomes vile once it falls off the head. Don't brush over the sink--and if you do, wipe it up. Wet hair clumps look like dead animals, and there's nothing worse than watching hair and soap battle it out down a drain.



Don't hang there
Bathrooms are not office space. Don't hang there. Don't wait for your coworker to finish. Go somewhere nice, and leave users in peace. (Likewise, if you recognize the shoes of the person in the next stall, lose the cross-stall chit-chat.)



Residual wads of TP
Don't leave residual wads of TP floating in an otherwise clean bowl, even if all you did was blow your nose with it. When newcomers don't know where that paper has been, they may flush before use, fearing the splash effect. This is wasting water. We don't like that.



It should disappear
If you just got back from your trip to a developing country where people live on a gallon a day, do not inflict your newfound POV on users. Yellow, in the United States, should never mellow. It should disappear, just like all our unwanted stuff. To that place called "away."