Employer Talk

“Entry-Level Position”

You’ll be making under $7 an hour.

“Entry-Level Position in an Up-And-Coming Company”

You’ll be making under $7 and hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.

“An Up-And-Coming Software Company”

We want you to get your hopes up, but there’s no chance in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft.

“Profit-Sharing Plan”

Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.

“Competitive Salary”

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“Join Our Fast-Paced Company”

We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

“Nationally Recognized Leader”

Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.

“Immediate Opening”

The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.

“Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter”

We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

“Self-Motivated”

Management won’t answer questions.

“We Offer Great Benefits”

After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

“Pension/Retirement Benefits”

After 3 years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we’ll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

“Seeking Enthusiastic, Fun, Hard Working, People”

...who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.

“Casual Work Atmosphere”

We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“Competitive Environment”

We have a lot of turnover.

“Exciting and Professional Work Environment”

Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

“Join Our Dynamic Team”

We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

“Fun Work Environment”

Your coworkers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them.

“A Drug-Free Work Environment”

We booze it up at company parties.

“Must Be Deadline Oriented”

You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“Some Public Relations Required”

If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.

“Some Overtime Required”

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“Salary Range $24k - $32k”

We’ll offer you $22k to start.

“A Highly Visible Position”

You’ll give boring speeches on your own time.

“Flexible Hours”

Work 40 hours; get paid of 25.

“Duties Will Vary”

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Where Employees Feel Valued”

Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.

“Must Have an Eye for Detail”

We have no quality control.

“College Degree Preferred”

Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy,
English, or religion.

“No Phone Calls Please”

We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience”

You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“Problem-Solving Skills A Must”

You’re walking into a company in pertetural chaos.

“Requires Team Leadership Skills”

You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“Good Communication Skills”

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want to do.

“Ability to Handle a Heavy Workload”

You whine, you’re fired.

“Aspirations for Growth within Our Company”

We love brown-nosers.

20 Rules in any office

1. Rule 1. - The Boss is always right.



2. Rule 2. - If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.


3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.


4. Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.


5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.


6.. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.


7. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.


8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.


9. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.


11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...


12. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.


13. Following the rules will not get the job done.


14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.


15. Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous" .


16. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.


17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing..


18. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.


19. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.


20. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Office Rules!

These New Rules Of The Office will be effective immediately...

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, June 12 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week.