Friday, June 19, 2009

Employer Talk


“Entry-Level Position”

You’ll be making under $7 an hour.

“Entry-Level Position in an Up-And-Coming Company”

You’ll be making under $7 and hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.

“An Up-And-Coming Software Company”

We want you to get your hopes up, but there’s no chance in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft.

“Profit-Sharing Plan”

Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.

“Competitive Salary”

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“Join Our Fast-Paced Company”

We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

“Nationally Recognized Leader”

Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.

“Immediate Opening”

The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.

“Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter”

We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

“Self-Motivated”

Management won’t answer questions.

“We Offer Great Benefits”

After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

“Pension/Retirement Benefits”

After 3 years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we’ll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

“Seeking Enthusiastic, Fun, Hard Working, People”

...who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.

“Casual Work Atmosphere”

We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“Competitive Environment”

We have a lot of turnover.

“Exciting and Professional Work Environment”

Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

“Join Our Dynamic Team”

We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

“Fun Work Environment”

Your coworkers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them.

“A Drug-Free Work Environment”

We booze it up at company parties.

“Must Be Deadline Oriented”

You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“Some Public Relations Required”

If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.

“Some Overtime Required”

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“Salary Range $24k - $32k”

We’ll offer you $22k to start.

“A Highly Visible Position”

You’ll give boring speeches on your own time.

“Flexible Hours”

Work 40 hours; get paid of 25.

“Duties Will Vary”

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Where Employees Feel Valued”

Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.

“Must Have an Eye for Detail”

We have no quality control.

“College Degree Preferred”

Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy,
English, or religion.

“No Phone Calls Please”

We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience”

You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“Problem-Solving Skills A Must”

You’re walking into a company in pertetural chaos.

“Requires Team Leadership Skills”

You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“Good Communication Skills”

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want to do.

“Ability to Handle a Heavy Workload”

You whine, you’re fired.

“Aspirations for Growth within Our Company”

We love brown-nosers.

1 comments:

*lynne* on June 23, 2009 at 9:51 PM said...

teehehee some of these are true gems! :)

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